Well, I don’t know what day I am on. As far as I am concerned, this is Day 1 again, but I think that might get a little confusing. I am going to have like 10 million Day 1’s, but 10 million Day 1’s are better than giving up for good. I mean, one Day 1 that continues on consistently is even better, but we aren’t quite there yet.
I was supposed to make a video update on my March progress, but I didn’t. I didn’t have anything to say. I just didn’t feel like trying to lose. I know I have to do it. I know that results are bad ass and I love seeing them, but I just didn’t want to. I had no motivation at all, counting calories is annoying as hell, and food tastes really good. I didn’t weigh myself in all that time because my scale and I were not on what you would call “speaking terms,” which means I didn’t see the number increase. I stepped on yesterday a little while after eating and drinking a bunch of water and the number read 357.6. Can’t say I am surprised, but I also can’t say that it feels great. I hate that it took me gaining a shitton of weight back to get the motivation again, but at least I have it now.
I can tell physically that I gained weight. My face is starting to round out again and we want the opposite to happen. My clothes were feeling tight and looking very uncute. It is just all around a bad time. I could have probably lost like 20lbs by now and be on my way to fitting into my goal shorts and considering actually wearing a two piece at the beach. We are far from that now, but it is never too late to get back on track.
I have a OneNote book devoted to weight loss that I have yet to use before yesterday. I started to write down my food lists and what I want to focus on. I don’t want to be hella restrictive because that never lasts in the long run, but I think I need to be in the first couple weeks to reset my taste buds and cravings.
Two years ago, I was very restrictive and it worked about as well as being non-restrictive last year. I lost the same amount of weight and ended up in the same place, here, with most of the weight gained back. Being restrictive worked because since I never had “bad” stuff, I didn’t have a taste for it and never really wanted it anyway. I think I had a cookie-a-week thing going where once a week I could get a cookie from 7-11. That was cool. It was like my one treat. I didn’t deviate from that. I was so psyched for my weekly cookie and it was kind of cool. I think I might try that again. I don’t even know.
There are so many things I could try that might work – strategies and whatnot – low carb, no carb, weekly treats, vegan/vegetarian options, “bad” foods in moderation, absolute restrictive diet, meal planning/prepping, supplements, etc. I still understand that it is calories in, calories out. Counting them and monitoring everything I eat. It is simple math, but life isn’t that simple. I might be making a bigger deal out of it than I should be. Like for real, just shut up, count your cals, weigh your food, and don’t go overboard with portions and treats. It is simple in theory, but I don’t know if you underestimate my laziness or lack of will power sometimes. I need to figure out what works for me long term. I have a huge problem with long term. I am great at starting things, but terrible at finishing them.
There are 18 episodes of My 600lb Life and a few seasons of The Biggest Loser on Hulu that are calling my name. #Motivation They have worked in the past. BL for the progress I will eventually have, and 600lb Life for all the reasons why that a huge serving of food or that McNugg craving is a bad idea. I feel like that puts me on the border of having an “unhealthy relationship with food” but like, I kind of already have one? So I mean, one that makes me gain or makes me lose? I will pick the lesser of two evils for now. I mean, I am far from starving myself. So far, in fact, that I would have to run two marathons to get half way to me starving myself. I can’t do it. I won’t ever be able to do it. I get hangry too easily. I also don’t like to throw up so purging is and was never a fucking option. I am just trying to prevent myself from making bad decisions and if watching a 600lb+ person gorging themselves on 2 whole pizzas prevents me from ordering a pizza myself, then that is what I will do.
I mean, it is not like my discipline and will power is so shitty that watching My 600Lb Life is the only thing that is going to keep me from over eating and making bad decisions, it just helps sometimes. I don’t know why I feel the need to explain or defend myself. It’s not like 1) it matters what anyone thinks of me or my strategies, 2) anyone has every criticized me for watching for that reason, or 3) I give a fuck what people think (was that the same as number 1?). But I just feel like what I say will be perceived wrong or might seem insensitive, so I am just trying to cover my bases.
I feel like I have a thin girl mentality sometimes. I don’t feel like I am 300lbs mentally. I don’t have a lot of the hang ups that it seems like some/most of other fat girls have. I am sure other fat dudes have the same kind of issues and problems, but I can’t speak for them so I am focusing on the chicks because I’m a chick. My weight has never caused m to wear a T shirt in the pool or at the beach. It has never prevented me from wearing a dress or shorts. I don’t let being fat keep me from performing on stage or making videos. I don’t let my weight define me. Sure, I have my insecurities like everyone, but I don’t let my fat define who I am. I don’t feel like I am 357lbs. I know I am meant to weigh less and be fit and thinner, I am just having MAJOR problems getting there.
I honestly feel like my fat is a kind of crutch as well. Like, I am a giant offensive asshole, and I feel like I can get away with a lot of the things I do and say because I am fat. Like if a thin girl said or did half of the stuff I did she would be a raging bitch, but I am just like funny and sassy lol. I don’t know, maybe that is just a thing that only exists in my head. That is certainly not preventing me from losing, I don’t think. It is just a point that exist.
Anyway, I think that is enough deep dive-should searching for one day. Hopefully, this will etch-a-sketch my slate clean and I can work on some real progress. I never give up, I just take long breaks from time to time. I need to start putting in the work, making myself uncomfortable, and take what I want. It is 20 fucking 17 and I am going to see under 300lbs this year. Fuck everything else. That’s it. Time to start fucking my this shit up and getting results. Okay. Cool. Daily blogs. They’re going to be a thing again. Okay. I’m done.