I fell sleep before I could write yesterday’s entry. But there wasn’t anything interesting. I made a breakfast scramble with asparagus, green bell pepper, and spinach. I made the same today but I had chicken instead of sausage. It wasn’t like breakfast sausage, though, a thicker one, like a dinner sausage? Is there such a thing? It was an Italian sausage. I love Italian sausage 😏. (I’m sorry for that.) (No I’m not.) It took a little research to find out how many calories were in them. 180 each. I had 3. Oops lol. I am glad that I switched it out for chicken today. They were really good, though.I haven’t eaten by a calorie restriction in a while, like since last June. It has been tough. Snacking has been tough. I can come on here and say everything is great and I eat under my calories everyday and I meet my water goal, but I’m not. I haven’t got there yet. I am still not trying my hardest. Day 4 was a fluke. I need more days like Day 4. I don’t know why it has been so hard to get back into the swing of things.
I think it is because I haven’t had that surge of motivation that I get out of a loss. When I see one, I am more inclined to be better and make better decisions. This week will be the 3rd where I have been continuously “trying”. “Trying” because I have been making blog posts and I have been exercising, making goals, and mostly following them, but still not getting my diet in order. YOU CAN’T OUTRUN A BAD FUCKING DIET OK. I KNOW IT. YOU KNOW IT. WHY AM I NOT FOLLOWING A STRICTER DIET? I don’t know. It’s not like I am fine and happy with where I am. I have a long way to go to be satisfied with my body. I am not trying to be a size 2, that’s implausible but I am not happy being a side 24.
I can be positive, and I can say “It will come soon; I just have to be patient; Rome wasn’t built in a day” and any other.bullshit motivational statement I can muster up. OR I can be completely realistic and say I need to work my ass off and actually change my mindset and habits to earn what I want. I have never had to work hard for anything is my life. I was naturally smart so I never had to study in school. My parents provided me with anything I needed. I don’t have a job. I have never had to work for anything in my life. And now its biting me in the ass. I need to change. My life is shit because I haven’t gotten it together. Once I start working for stuff, seeing results, and having that pride in my life, whether it be weight-, job-, or school-wise, My quality of life will improve. Yes, working sucks, writing papers sucks, and restrictive/intuitive eating can suck, but being a lazy, broke, useless heap sucks more. It’s cool for a while but it all sucks after a while.
Am I making sense? I mean I am the only person standing in my way. I decide what I put in my mouth. When I ask for vegetables or a certain thing, I put it on the shopping list and it appears. I need to change. I know I do. I have 2 full days until weigh in. It’s going to be disappointing once again, I think. I started my period and that always throws me off. The point of all this shit isI am not doing all I can do. I am not making excuses for myself and I am not happy with what I am doing right now. So. This is where we are. And it is up to me to change it.
Before I go to sleep, I write that I am going to make tomorrow better. I usually start fine. I start strong. I just trickle off at the end of the day and snack a bunch and before you know it, I am over calories and not any closer to my goal. I have to figure out how to fix that. I want one day. JUST ONE DAY. Where everything is cool and I don’t have t worry about going over cals. There were times last year where I had to work to eat at least 1200 a day. WHERE ARE THOSE DAYS AND HOW CAN I GET THEM BACK??? I should read last years blogs and see. This is why they’re useful.
Anyway, one day at a time or whatever. Fuck it. Lets’s drop the BS and do it right.